Why hello Mindsay. Fancy meeting you here. How's life? Grand I hope. Myself? I've been quite troubled lately. To put it simply, I'm confused about life. Where I came from, what direction I'm headed off to, and the people that are going to be a part of the adventure.

My best friend of 16 years will be leaving me tomorrow and I feel a very open, hollow void beginning to spread in my chest. At first, it didn't really phase me, but now thinking about it brings me to tears.

What about the promises we made to each other as children, Nin? How can you turn your back on me now? It breaks my heart. But I have to stand back and let you go. Growing up is letting go.

My other good friend, third in command, is getting married in November. To a boy she's been dating for for three months. It almost feels like a slap in the face to me for all the trials and tribulations I've had to go through for love. Your little certificate cheapens it. You do not know what love is; you're only in a hurry to grow up. You attach yourself to anything that shows you affection and suck the life out of it.

My own love life is in nothing but shambles. I thought things were going to be different now. They were supposed to be. Another broken promise.

Monday I leave for PA to do some soul-searching.

I miss you Collin.

And I miss stability.

Today's top news articles.

See: Boyfriend falls through ceiling! and Ex boyfriend wants to know how you're doing, even though you're immature, worthless, and a waste of time!

Happy cinco de fucking mayo.

So, Brent fell through a ceiling today. Nathan says he's okay but I can't help but be worried. I imagine it happened Lion King-style. I want to call him and check up on him but I just feel awkward about it. I feel like my phonecalls are unwanted and I only call him when I feel like I'm going to burst from lack of communication. Sigh.

and in Breaking News--

After about ten months of complete silence, ex boyfriend decides to send an email. It goes something along the lines of hey, I don't know if you still use this email, how are you doing, it's been a while, I wanted to see how you were, you don't have to respond to if you don't want to. Signed, ex boyfriend.

And my question is, what exactly happens in a ten month span where you first tell me you never want to talk to me again, call me  horrible, awful names, write sappy myspace blogs reflecting on how terrible I am and how awful your life is, then ten months later you just happen to wonder how I am doing?

How am I doing? Fine. I'm fantastic, and I'd like to keep it that way, so why don't you fly on back to Kryptonite and we'll call it a day. And even if I do feel like gracing you with a response, I'm not sure where exactly you could possibly see that going. I could never consider you a friend, nor really even an acquaintance. You're nothing short of pathetic.

And every time I think of him, I have a few choice words floating on the tip of my tongue.

But enough of that. It's really all a waste of time.

School is almost out and I can feel the pressure being lifted off of my shoulders. Sure I still have finals, but all my major assignments are over with. Summer is coming and I'm so excited. It's going to be absolutely amazing.

Overall, life is good.

I feel like I'm on the verge of having a panic attack. My heart is racing and I just want to shut myself behind a wall. I feel overstimulated. Too much school, too many projects, too many appointments, all conflicting with work. I forgot to ask off for all my appointments, so I have to talk to somebody at work about it. I have a feeling this isn't going to go over well. I want to quit and leave for the summer. I'm not going to try and write this entry in a pretty little coherent matter and worry over what flows to the next. This is what we will call "free writing" I will say exactly what I think and not worry over chronological order. I like Lowes. It's okay. It's good money. But I have to get these appointments straightened out and I don't want to talk to Lesley. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. She's going to yell at me I think. I don't want to be yelled at. I don't want anyone telling me no or that's it's too short notice. Most of them all have to do with my mom's wedding shit. I have too much stuff to do at school. How am I going to handle going to school full time? Maybe these classes are just particularly stressful. I want to hit pause on life and take a minute to chill the fuck out. I'm going to get these dates for these appointments straightened out. I have to. I'm schedule to work during my mom's bridal shower. Maybe I can switch with someone. Who knows. I can't miss it though. I want to cry. I need to finish math. I hate it. I don't want to go in at 2:30. I am crying. I wish I wasn't so dull when it comes to math. I wish I knew numbers well. I don't want to take anymore math classes ever again but I have to. I have to take them so I can go to university. I'm scared. I want to teach, I think I'd be good at it, but I don't know if I can do it because of my social anxiety. I'm scared I will fail. I'm hoping maybe it comes easier with time. Maybe when I am 50 years old I wont care about making phone calls or answering doors or ordering pizza over the phone or standing up in front of people and having them look at me. I want straight As. Maybe that's not something I can do but I want As because of phi theta kappa. I must maintain a 3.5, and if I get Bs this semester I will already be at a 3.5. That leaves me no more room for any Bs. This is terrible. Why didn't I try harder? I don't want to go to school today. I don't want to call Lesley. I want to go to Pennsylvannia. I'm scared I wont make it as a teacher. I think I need to see Trish again. Maybe I just need someone to talk to. I don't know why I do these things to myself. After math I'm going to go home and take some lortabs. I feel bad because I should walk Tanya. She never gets to do anything. She just lays around all day and she is a good dog and deserves to see some trees once in a while. Maybe I will take a lortab and go walk her. I yelled at her because she was staring at me when I was eating earlier and I snapped. I didn't mean to. I'm more anxious about work and my appointments right now than school. Once I get this situation I will be fine. But I'm too chickenshit to call Lesley and it's making things worse. And my room is shit. I need to clean it.

Dear Moner,

    Thank you for allowing me to use your home as a safe haven.  I really do appreciate having a home away from home, especially a nice quiet place to sit and focus on schoolwork.  Thank you for always keeping your freezer stocked with ice cream, and thank you for always trying to hand off a bowl to me.


    Moner, you're the only grandma that could ever pull off a pair of DCs.  You got some fresh ass kicks, and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

   
    You are the best grandma anyone could ever ask for.

Your Granddaughter,
Megan

PS - I hope you have a good time when Aunt Kathy comes home next Saturday. Keep me posted.

Catalog of depravity: a collection of material of which is to be considered depraved.
noun
"Bacon sewar's vagina is a catalog of depravity".
See synonems: revolting, sinful